I heard a story on the news yesterday about a way to fast track your love for someone. I know we live in a society of quick fixes and immediate gratification but not all things should go that way. This particular gimmick was pages of questions for 45 minutes and then staring at each other for FOUR minutes to create intimacy.
Is it really necessary to create intimacy on the first meeting or date? The usual recommendation for a first meeting is not to get too serious about any subject. It is a preliminary “date” to see if there is a reason to pursue. That is more of a feeling than an inquisition! Reading through this site you will see that Bon Jour Matchmaking’s philosophy is quite the opposite.
I also realize there are times when there is love at first sight that can be long lasting. I’ve seen it with clients and in my own family. But that is not the norm. Not everything is a quick fix and especially love…this new gimmick is just that. A way to get the media to pay attention and do a story, which they did. So they have accomplished their goal. Clearly the goal was not to genuinely advance love and connections between people.
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Hiring a matchmaking service is a lot like hiring a financial advisor to direct you in the stock market. You invest your money hoping for a large return; you have patience because the market can go up and down and you are basically making an educated decision about this form of investment. Likewise in a matchmaking service your investment is in the hopes that you will meet people who you’ve been searching for up to this point; you are directed by the matchmaker which candidates (like stocks) will give you the best return; it can take time to meet the most appropriate matches and they may be successful or not. It’s an investment in the process. Again, patience is key. With my open-ended contract you have the best opportunity to meet the “right” person when they present themselves.
Bon Jour Matchmaking Service not only matches you with an abundance of information and photos of each client but also includes coaching. The important and valuable thing about the dating coaching aspect is that I am objective and receiving feedback on both sides of the match. That way I can follow if you have a trend of doing something that undermines potential relationships and am able to share that with you and hopefully correct it. That has come up a lot recently with many of my clients.
Although they are very well educated, accomplished and outstanding individuals they tend to make the same mistakes with each match as I learn from the feedback. Consequently we have to address this so that they will be more successful in the future. I can set you up with terrific people, but if you keep undermining the process you will get the same results…I can lead a horse to water but I can’t make it drink out of a glass.
The first suggestion I would make to anyone considering working with a Denver matchmaker is that rather than say, this is the type of person I usually date or this is my type and this isn’t you keep an open mind. If this is the “type” you usually date it isn’t working and perhaps you should consider being more open minded rather than repeating a “type” that hasn’t been working out. In my 40 year dating “career”, although there were certain looks I was most attracted to I also made room for other things about a person that I found attractive. We all know couples who, on paper, don’t seem to match up very much or look odd together, but low and behold they have long and happy marriages because the very most important attributes such as values, morals, some level of attraction and goals are a match.
If what you’ve been doing in selecting the people you date and/or behaving the same way on dates has not been working (and I presume that’s why you are on here reading this), doesn’t it make sense to try another approach? That’s not to say that you can’t and won’t meet people you find attractive in all ways (that’s your decision to make after reading their profile and viewing their photos as well as my input), I’m just saying rather than being more narrow when you hire a matchmaker, be more open.
Compiling feedback from my male clients as well as male friends over these many years I have uncovered one of the reasons men don’t call back after a first meeting/date.
The most frequent reason, aside from the obvious they’re not interested, is that they didn’t get those elusive positive, interested, attracted vibes back from the woman they met. Men HATE rejection, so if they don’t feel that they will receive a positive response they will not call in most cases.
Part of my matchmaking coaching is to let both sides of the match know the interest level (which they share with me in their feedback) of the other person when this situation arises. Most potential relationships would be “dead in the water” if I didn’t poke my nose in and correct these misinterpretations. So many potential meetings have turned into relationships because they had a “nosy” Matchmaker in the middle clarifying behavior to each party and not dropping the ball.
Both parties need to make their interest known (if they are interested) so as not to leave the other person too insecure to pursue them. If you go through the uncomfortable effort of meeting new and potential partners, it should follow that you need to be communicative when you meet them. For example, if you are not interested DON’T SAY YOU WILL CALL THEM. Just say how nice it was to meet them and leave it at that. They will get the message.
Also, don’t judge someone by one thing they do that doesn’t appeal to you during the initial meeting. They are as uncomfortable as you are and are just trying to act natural so they may make some mistakes. There is too much prejudging which stops things before they even get started. On the other hand people usually tell you who they are right away. Believe them! Many a partner has overlooked IMPORTANT negative signs right in the beginning which turned up later in the relationship. Don’t ignore those thinking that you can change that behavior or this person won’t act that way with you. You can’t and they will.
Whether you are using the Internet, a social group or a personal Matchmaker the above advice is something to think about before your next first date. Best of luck as always…
Michele “the Matchmaker” Fields, Heart Hunter
Starting at the beginning, the answers to these three questions will start your date out on the right foot.
1. How long should a first date last? I always suggest to my clients to meet for coffee with an option. An option that if things are going really well they can continue the date with lunch or dinner depending on what time the meeting is. That seems to work very well. I think the absolute WORST time to meet is at lunch during the work week.
2. How should you dress for a first date? That depends on several factors. What are you doing on that first date? If you are meeting for coffee, casual but clean, neat and put together. Wear something flattering as first impressions stick. On subsequent dates “know your audience”, meaning be yourself and wear what’s comfortable for you keeping in mind the type of person you are going out with. If you are flamboyant and your date is conservative, just tone it down a bit with them in mind. Or vice versa. Always dress with the activity and venue in mind.
3. How much should you drink on a date? Men appear obnoxious when they are drunk but women really look bad when they get drunk. I think less is best. One or two drinks is quite enough. If you are drinking because you’re nervous, just work through it. Even just holding and sipping a glass of water will help calm you down.
Submit any other questions you may have below and I will answer them in another blog.