DATING FRENZY OR A MATE

I regularly read reviews of other services, not necessarily just local but also national.  I’m not taking up for these services per se, however I have a problem with people complaining they didn’t get the “right” matches for them or enough matches.  One person wrote a service claimed to have I think 500 potential matches and “only” had 100.  Wow, isn’t 100 enough?  You only need one to be the right one!  Sure, you can make it a numbers game but in almost 27 years of successful professional matchmaking, as I’ve said all over this site, most people married either the first or second person they met!

Generally I think the services disclose their structure when you meet with them.  If you choose to buy into that, a package of dates for a finite time at an exorbitant fee, you chose that.  The fact that they rarely really matchmake anyone with the appropriate people is a pretty well known fact.  They know all they have to do is meet the contract of a certain number of dates and they’re in the clear.

It’s not the number of people you meet, it’s the quality and the commonality of morals, values and interests that make it successful.  That can happen with ONE match if done correctly rather than putting yourself through a dating frenzy.  If you want to meet lots of people (who may or may not misrepresent themselves and/or be felons like James Holmes) use the Internet Dating Sites.  But if you are truly serious about finding a “mate” then use a reputable professional matchmaker who gives you loads of information AND pictures.  Best of luck.

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FINDING A MATE IS LIKE BUYING A HOME

When I was searching for my home there were very specific things I wanted and specifically did not want.  The home had to have air conditioning and a foyer.  I absolutely did not want a basement.  Well, the home I fell in love with did not have air or a foyer and it did have a basement.  But my home had so many other outstanding features that I traded those for my “must haves” list.  Refer to post called Ten Tradeoffs to Finding the Love You Seek.  The difference between a “house” and a “home” is like the difference between “dating” and “matchmaking”.

It works the same way with finding love.  Sure all men want a model and all women want a loyal, sincere, educated, tall, clean shaven guy with hair.  But that is not always who you fall in love with or can fall in love with.  As I explained on my post Real Couples Having Real Relationships look at those couples.  Do you really think in every case the spouse was exactly what that person had on their list of qualities?  Also check out my post on Denver Men Do You Look Like This?

So whether you use the Internet Dating Sites, local Denver dating services or a Denver matchmaker have some flexibility and be open minded, you never know in whom you will find love!

WHY THIS MATCHMAKER’S OPEN ENDED CONTRACT IS INVALUABLE

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About 11 years ago I met a lovely woman at a party in Cherry Creek.  She was and is a sophisticated, intelligent, accomplished and extremely attractive person.  She was single and I was pointed out to her as someone she might like to get to know.  We had an immediate chemistry.  She had unquestioned faith in my matchmaking abilities and joined Bon Jour Matchmaking Service.

Because this woman is so spectacular I was extremely selective in who I shared her profile with.  They had to be worthy, have similar qualities and a lifestyle she could relate to.  Consequently there were not that many men over those years that I introduced her to.

But this wonderful lady never wavered in her faith in me and never gave up like some people do.  A few months ago a gentleman signed with Bon Jour who was a great fit for this woman.  He selected her from her extensive profile and photos and put her first on his list to meet.  They’ve been dating ever since.  Although this man is a great match for her and she is very excited, there are challenges in his life with family and distance from her that could have made either of them decline the introduction.  But because they were and continue to be open minded they spent New Year’s Eve together and are continuing to get to know each other.

If I had not had an open ended contract, if she had not been so patient and/or given up on me she would certainly not have met this lovely man.  So along with what I offer you as a seasoned 26 year veteran matchmaker, you have to bring to the table qualities like patience, cooperation and faith in the process.

Fees of Denver Dating Services vs. Bon Jour Matchmaking Service

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Bon Jour Matchmaking Service is owned and operated by me/myself/and I, Michele the Matchmaker.  There are no other employees working on commission, there is no fancy office space, no advertising and as little overhead as is possible to run a business, consequently Bon Jour is able to offer a more reasonable investment than other Denver dating or matchmaking services.  In addition I offer all clients an open-ended contract (at no extra fee), meaning they are a client until…until they reach their goal in the service.  I believe two of the most important ingredients involved in a successful match are timing and fate.  Every client receives the benefit of those at an extremely reasonable investment.  Your investment in Bon Jour is based upon client’s age, height, age range they wish to date, location and other information shared at the time of the phone consultation.

There seems to be a trend lately with Denver matchmakers to charge for a certain number of dates; only to charge the men and sign the women for free (or vice versa) or a combination thereof.  Often you may pay $3500 for 6 dates on a six month contract.  And $5500 for 12 dates in 12 months. In addition you receive very little information (I am told by past clients of those services), no pictures or profile and have to accept that service’s opinion as to whether it’s a good match.  If you wish to be a “VIP” you may pay $7,000-$10,000.  I’ve also been told that because of the lack of male clientele, select male clients are set up with all new women, even though their preferences preclude many of these matches, leaving both sides very frustrated.  The main complaints seem to be the expensive fees and the services not paying any attention to the clients’ criteria.  Also the owner(s) and or “matchmakers’ not returning calls or e-mails.

So take your time, do your homework when searching for the best type of service for you and your finances.

TIPS FOR SELECTING A GOOD MATCHMAKER

The Good Matchmaker

We tend to measure a successful matchmaker by the number of marriages that result from her suggestions. However, there are many matchmakers who are held in high esteem by their clients, even though their suggestion-to-marriage ratio isn’t that high. They’re the matchmakers who really listen to their clients, make suggestions that are close to what their clients are looking for, give their clients encouragement and guidance, and make them feel good about themselves and their dating situation.

Why Matchmaking Clients Need Mentoring

It can take hours of work for a matchmaker to put one match together. One might wonder why she should also spend time mentoring her clients. The answer is that getting two people to go out on a date is only the first step in the courtship process.

A man and woman don’t always meet for the first time and “know” they are meant for each other. They often come to that realization after they develop a relationship. Many people struggle through the relationship-building process, such as what they should expect to happen at each stage of courtship, when they should open up about different subjects, how to pace their dating, what are healthy emotions during courtship, what they should learn about each other, whether it’s right to end a courtship, and how and when they can tell that someone is right for them. Who can they turn to for guidance on these subjects? Their matchmaker, provided he or she is knowledgeable, has good insight and is willing to take the time to be helpful.

A matchmaker can use mentoring skills even if a client doesn’t approach them for advice. She can help set the tone for a successful first date and encourage someone who is ambivalent to agree to a second date. She can tactfully recommend that a client address issues that may interfere with successful dating, such as unrealistic expectations, less-than-optimal social skills or dating skills, not knowing how to maximize their appearance, or an emotional issue from their past that may be blocking them from moving forward. All in all, matchmakers who mentor their clients as the need arises can make the difference between a match that doesn’t progress well and one that leads to a happy, enduring marriage.

The Matchmaker-Client Relationship

The guidelines can include:

a.  A description of the procedure you’ll follow if you have a suitable match (who gets called first, when are names and telephone numbers given out, who arranges the actual date).

b.  A disclaimer that you don’t guarantee finding someone for them, and that it may take time before you have suitable idea to discuss with them.

c.  A list of your telephone hours and the emergent circumstances under which clients can call you at other times.

When shopping for a Denver matchmaker or Denver matchmaking service the above suggestions are a good place to start.

LET ME HELP YOU CORRECT INEFFECTIVE DATING PATTERNS

I’ve received feedback about my Blog that people love my anecdotal stories as they help clarify my points.  So to illuminate this point…I have found with some of my clients that they have a regular routine of some kind that they don’t change when they come in here and meet potential mates.  Whether it be skiing every weekend in the winter, boating every weekend in the summer, going to their place in the mountains every weekend or whatever, once you have decided to work with a professional Matchmaker and meet good potential mates you HAVE to be flexible with your schedule.  You can do that routine when you are single, or even in a relationship but you HAVE to make the time to nurture a potential relationship and show flexibility.

I used to have a very attractive female client who owned several places in the mountains and two dogs.  On Thursday she would go to the mountains (with her dogs) until Sunday.  She would NEVER change her schedule to accommodate someone she was dating.  She took her dogs everywhere, including to our interview and her first meetings with matches.  I’m a real animal person and don’t like animals locked up in a car for two hours and I’m sure that made her dates feel uncomfortable.  But even more I received feedback from every guy she met that she wouldn’t fit time in her weekend schedule to get together.  So they moved on.

Someone who does that looks very selfish, very inflexible and doesn’t appear to have a desire to nurture a relationship.  All in all she appeared as a poor partner and I was never able to seal the deal for her.  I spoke with her about the feedback numerous times and she claimed she would change but never did…and BTW she’s still single, surprise.  I am no longer working with her as I cannot disappoint my male clients and waste their time when she won’t comply.

Recently I’ve had another beautiful female client join my service.  Despite many conversations with her during and after her interview, she has never told me that she goes to the mountains every weekend from Friday to Sunday.  I learned about this from feedback of her matches.  They asked her for another date and she is gone every weekend so they became frustrated and moved on.  The feedback from clients is invaluable.

I have not spoken with her about it yet as she is in the mountains and has no phone or internet service there…I am not only concerned about this pattern but that she hid it from me even though we’ve spoken so many times.  I suspect she thought if she told me I would not work with her because deep down she has to know that this may undermine any success.  But I always find out, if not directly from the client, then from feedback from their matches.  When I receive negative feedback from 2 people I address that with the person so they can correct that behavior.

If a client is using it to turn off the other person because they aren’t interested but don’t know how to tell them, BAD IDEA.  Just merely say how nice they are and attractive (if they are) but the chemistry just isn’t there.  No one can argue with that!  But don’t say things to turn them off as your rejection.  Man up and be honest, trust me, they appreciate that.

THINK LONG TERM, BE REALISTIC and BE HUMAN WHEN DATING

I have recently been in contact with a guy I dated in my twenties.  He’s now in his sixties.  One of the things that got on my nerves when we dated was that he worked out obsessively every day, 7 days a week and anything else was put on the back burner.

Well, it turns out he looked healthy and great on the outside but lots was going on inside that he could not control or be aware of.  Something he specifically told me this morning was that he never thought he would date women over 50 because of his perception of them and because he felt that he had so much to offer.  He’s always been a handsome, wealthy and a very sweet guy!  Today he said he’d be lucky to have someone in their 50’s or 60’s consider him!  So of course you ask why?

A year ago he had a severe stroke which has disabled him in certain ways that he is fighting back and working through.  His perception of himself, women and the world has changed dramatically.  He has always been the handsome, sexy, virile man who didn’t look his age.  I haven’t seen him but his description of himself is quite different now.

Hey, “shit happens”…this is life.  He commented that he would date Chrisite Brinkley.  I said what if you did and SHE had the stroke, gained weight, looked different and needed help?  That could happen…would you still be there?  (I don’t remember his answer, don’t think he responded…)

Everyone who comes in here whether male or female seems to want their idea of “perfection”.  Perfection doesn’t last forever.  There are car accidents, strokes, ALS, ED, etc., etc.  People don’t remain the same through their whole lives.  The test is whether you or they will still be there when times aren’t “perfect” and they or YOU aren’t “perfect”. The person you SHOULD be searching for is one with compassion, loyalty, humanity and realism.

Of course there has to be an attraction in many areas, but that physical attraction becomes less and less important as you age because some of the most beautiful people do not age well, i.e., Jessica Lange, Brigitte Bardot, Mickey Rourke, Val Kilmer, Kathleen Turner, Kelly LeBrock, Keith Richards, Jack Nicholson, Brigette Neilsen, Steven Seagal, Janice Dickinson, Nick Nolte, etc.  Just because someone looks great NOW doesn’t mean they always will.  AND just because you look great on the outside doesn’t mean you are healthy on the inside, like my friend.

BrigetteBardo

On the other hand, there are people who were average looking when they were younger who look better with age, i.e., Diane Keaton, Katie Couric, Barbra Striesand, Julianne Moore, Emma Thompson, Liam Neeson, Tom Hanks, etc.  The question isn’t are they good looking, the more important question at certain ages is how well are they aging.

KatieCouricYoungKatieCouricNow

So when choosing a partner look long term, be realistic and be human…and remember that “shit happens” even to YOU, so choose someone who will be there if and when it does!